| This is a breakdown of the top ten
causes of arguments that can lead to the failure of a long distance
relationship.
- Try not to act like a control freak. Don't force the other person
to communicate with you. Don't give ultimatums or say things in
letters or emails that you can never take back. Plus, no matter
how hard people try to avoid it, e-mail can be misinterpreted
and then the couple spend their time trying to rectify what was
"said."
- Forget about the daily phone call. One partner or the other
usually starts to resent the expense. You will find that not much
changes from day to day. Keep yourself a little mysterious as
banality kills both long distance and regular relationships. Even
from a long distance away, you can smother a relationship with
banal details.
- Try to avoid going on and on about your lack of intimacy with
each other. It drives women to tears and men to anger. Human beings
crave physical affection. People miss the other person's smile,
eye contact, scent, touch, kiss, and most aspects of physical
intimacy. No matter how much a couple tries, physical interaction
cannot be replaced by a phone call, letter or cyber anything.
Stay positive.
- Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, proximity does!
After too long a period of time, we as human beings will begin
to seek ways to meet our needs, wants and desires much closer
to home. This does not have to be a conscious effort, as sometimes
it happens almost by accident. We don't want to disappoint or
hurt our significant other and feel extremely guilty when we do.
- Don't ambush your long distance lover. They "surprise visit"
each other and then get JEALOUS and upset at what they THINK they
see and what they THINK they hear. Most couples are not mature
enough to deal with the fact that their significant other now
has new "friends" that they know nothing about.
- Sometimes one person changes and there is nothing the other
person can do about it. People simply grow apart and develop new
interests. When we are on our own, we find ways to compensate
for losses in our life. This is not done out of spite, it is our
most basic survival instincts kicking in. Your best course of
action if this happens is to stop trying to change the person
back and get a life of your own!
- Don't make it all about sex. Reunions are passionate. Separations
are emotional. Often couples get back together and focus SOLELY
on the physical aspect they have been missing and craving. This
is like putting a Band-Aid on an amputation, as it doesn't feed
any aspect of the relationship except physical desire.
- Don't practice "out of sight, out of mind." Remembering
a far away partner takes time and work. People begin to "forget"
the other person's wonderful qualities and attributes because
they are not being reinforced on a regular basis. We like to be
around people who are healthy and who care for us. Our significant
others from so far away cannot do these things for us and we can
start to resent them.
- Don't write a "disaster script for your relationship"
by predicting doom. Negative attitudes cause fights because your
pessimism feels like a curse. They also feel powerless to cheer
you up. People try to control each other from a distance, exclaiming
such predictions as, "I know you're going to find someone
else and cheat on me!" The more a couple tries to control
each other, the more they fail.
- Ironically, the main reason for fighting is getting what they
want - to be together. If a couple survives the long distance
part, they still may break up when they reunite and move back
closer to each other. This is because the anticipation of seeing
each other, that drove the sexual part of it all, is suddenly
gone.
If you have traveled a thousand miles to see someone, try to remember
why you came there in the first place. If the L word is not on
your lips and the person is driving you crazy or has changed from
being the person you used to know before you left it might be
time to abandon the relationship once and for all.
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