Nobody takes the idea of rebound
relationships that seriously - until one hurts them. The rebound
relationship is almost like a disease of faith. People are so eager
to restore what they have lost by jumping immediately into a new
relationship that they are blind to the fact that they still need
to heal. The result is not a new relationship but rather a reliving
of the past relationship with a new person who has no idea of the
kind of crap they are in store for if they insist on trying to heal
someone on the rebound!
The Internet is just full of individuals on the rebound. People
who are recently divorced or broken up are usually big candidates
for rebound behaviors. If you find yourself interested in someone
online who seems to be recently divorced or separated make sure
you inquire as to whether or not the person has had any sex or other
relationships since the "big break up." If the answer
is no then you might be setting yourself up for a big fall.
People on the rebound also have a very desperate air to them. They
might seem abnormally eager to get the relationship moving along
or trying to force intimacy where it doesn't exist. This is because
they are in a big hurry to replace their most recent loss with you.
They might be competing with the ex to see who gets a new lover
the fastest or they might simply be trying to make up for "lost
time" spent mourning the departure of the last relationship.
If the person you are talking to on the net seems to be in one
of the following states or wavering back and forth from shock, denial,
anger, sadness, revenge or obsession then stay away. This person
is going through a grief process and is not ready for a new relationship.
In fact they might even be subconsciously looking for a person to
act out their tantrums as the original object of anger or grief
is now absent. When you are dealing with a rebounder, the rebounder
sees you as nothing more than a big projection screen.
If you are the one on the rebound, you might have been part of
a break up where your partner was not part of the decision and recuperation
phase of its ending. This creates a soul that keeps searching for
resolution or closure for the problem. The tendency here is also
to choose someone (subconsciously and not on purpose) that will
participate in these acts of grief resolution with you.
Rebound relationships, which are doomed from the start, seem to
occur as the result of two people projecting idealistic or false
notions onto each other. The anonymity of a long distance relationship
conducted on the Internet could easily feed such illusions. Even
the strongest of conscious minds cannot seem to resist the subconscious
temptation to see the new person as a replacement for the ex. This
is why we usually don't realize that we have committed the emotional
crime of rebounding until it is too late.
People on the rebound often don't think they can heal until they
achieve some kind of resolution. Usually this does mean building
a new intimacy with someone else and then tearing it down again.
Blocked or repressed emotions that were not expressed towards the
ex partner may now be "acted out" on the new partner.
What a waste of your time!
When the relationship is rebound in nature, the balloon often bursts
with a big pow when one or the other partner realizes that the person
they have chosen is not about to behave in a way that their ex would.
When this happens the person on the rebound experiences a double
betrayal as the new person is forced to abandon the relationship
because of irrational expectations or behavior.
When both people are on the rebound, which is quite common on the
Internet, usually both partners feel a great sense of relief when
they find each other at first. They will usually bond through their
misery and have a "woe is me party." They might make unreasonable
promises to each other not to hurt each other the way their ex has.
Usually, both participants in a rebound relationship are completely
unaware that the two of them are actually incompatible. "Anything
is better than being alone."
Perhaps the biggest symptom that you are talking to a rebounder
is if you start to feel like you need to wring the tears out of
your shoulder pads. If you feel like a therapist or a parent rather
than a romantic partner then you are probably dealing with someone
on the rebound. This can be very dangerous to you emotionally if
you find yourself getting attached to this person.
Women especially see themselves as nurturers and healers. When
they meet a rebounding man their first instinct is to help him heal
so that he can get over the past and be with her. However, what
usually happens is that the woman heals the man and an emotional
transformation occurs. The man is healed so he no longer identifies
the online relationship with his ex. As he has no more need for
his rebound relationship, the woman is suddenly dropped.
If you are a partner in a rebound relationship your only function
is to heal the other person. Once you have outworn your usefulness
the rebound moves on and you are left alone. Trust me, watch out
for the rebounder. It is far from being a sweet experience.
Taking responsibility for your own emotional self care can prevent
you from perpetuating a long-term pattern of going from one catastrophic
relationship to another in the future. Don't become one of those
lonely souls on the Internet who wanders in online purgatory. Deal
with yourself so you don't cause more pain and repeat the pattern.
Don't let some poor sucker on the Internet work it out for you.
Find a therapist. |