Watch Out for Rebound Relationships

By Debbie Anderson

Nobody takes the idea of rebound relationships that seriously - until one hurts them. The rebound relationship is almost like a disease of faith. People are so eager to restore what they have lost by jumping immediately into a new relationship that they are blind to the fact that they still need to heal. The result is not a new relationship but rather a reliving of the past relationship with a new person who has no idea of the kind of crap they are in store for if they insist on trying to heal someone on the rebound!

The Internet is just full of individuals on the rebound. People who are recently divorced or broken up are usually big candidates for rebound behaviors. If you find yourself interested in someone online who seems to be recently divorced or separated make sure you inquire as to whether or not the person has had any sex or other relationships since the "big break up." If the answer is no then you might be setting yourself up for a big fall.

People on the rebound also have a very desperate air to them. They might seem abnormally eager to get the relationship moving along or trying to force intimacy where it doesn't exist. This is because they are in a big hurry to replace their most recent loss with you. They might be competing with the ex to see who gets a new lover the fastest or they might simply be trying to make up for "lost time" spent mourning the departure of the last relationship.

If the person you are talking to on the net seems to be in one of the following states or wavering back and forth from shock, denial, anger, sadness, revenge or obsession then stay away. This person is going through a grief process and is not ready for a new relationship. In fact they might even be subconsciously looking for a person to act out their tantrums as the original object of anger or grief is now absent. When you are dealing with a rebounder, the rebounder sees you as nothing more than a big projection screen.

If you are the one on the rebound, you might have been part of a break up where your partner was not part of the decision and recuperation phase of its ending. This creates a soul that keeps searching for resolution or closure for the problem. The tendency here is also to choose someone (subconsciously and not on purpose) that will participate in these acts of grief resolution with you.

Rebound relationships, which are doomed from the start, seem to occur as the result of two people projecting idealistic or false notions onto each other. The anonymity of a long distance relationship conducted on the Internet could easily feed such illusions. Even the strongest of conscious minds cannot seem to resist the subconscious temptation to see the new person as a replacement for the ex. This is why we usually don't realize that we have committed the emotional crime of rebounding until it is too late.

People on the rebound often don't think they can heal until they achieve some kind of resolution. Usually this does mean building a new intimacy with someone else and then tearing it down again. Blocked or repressed emotions that were not expressed towards the ex partner may now be "acted out" on the new partner. What a waste of your time!

When the relationship is rebound in nature, the balloon often bursts with a big pow when one or the other partner realizes that the person they have chosen is not about to behave in a way that their ex would. When this happens the person on the rebound experiences a double betrayal as the new person is forced to abandon the relationship because of irrational expectations or behavior.

When both people are on the rebound, which is quite common on the Internet, usually both partners feel a great sense of relief when they find each other at first. They will usually bond through their misery and have a "woe is me party." They might make unreasonable promises to each other not to hurt each other the way their ex has. Usually, both participants in a rebound relationship are completely unaware that the two of them are actually incompatible. "Anything is better than being alone."

Perhaps the biggest symptom that you are talking to a rebounder is if you start to feel like you need to wring the tears out of your shoulder pads. If you feel like a therapist or a parent rather than a romantic partner then you are probably dealing with someone on the rebound. This can be very dangerous to you emotionally if you find yourself getting attached to this person.

Women especially see themselves as nurturers and healers. When they meet a rebounding man their first instinct is to help him heal so that he can get over the past and be with her. However, what usually happens is that the woman heals the man and an emotional transformation occurs. The man is healed so he no longer identifies the online relationship with his ex. As he has no more need for his rebound relationship, the woman is suddenly dropped.

If you are a partner in a rebound relationship your only function is to heal the other person. Once you have outworn your usefulness the rebound moves on and you are left alone. Trust me, watch out for the rebounder. It is far from being a sweet experience.

Taking responsibility for your own emotional self care can prevent you from perpetuating a long-term pattern of going from one catastrophic relationship to another in the future. Don't become one of those lonely souls on the Internet who wanders in online purgatory. Deal with yourself so you don't cause more pain and repeat the pattern. Don't let some poor sucker on the Internet work it out for you. Find a therapist.

 
©2005 LoveAtADistance.com Love At A Distance Home