Why do long distance relationships
seem to be more passionate than other types? Psychologists say that
it is human nature to want what we can't have. Throw a little sexual
desire into that mix and you have the kind of romantic and sexual
angst that is the stuff of great romance and literature.
Suddenly, unlike the banality of every day relationships, you can
find yourself in an epic personal drama filled with the anticipation
of seeing your long lost partner once again. This sounds good, but
is it actually a healthy, practical way to conduct a relationship?
Of course, aside from being tantalized by the promise of love
that shines so distantly on the horizon, there are many other very
pragmatic reasons why you could find yourself suddenly in a long
distance relationship.
Common Scenarios
A very common scenario are the young lovers who are forced to
call it quits because they end up attending different colleges in
different cities, states, or even continents. Debt, fame, ailing
spouses, war, disease, responsibilities towards an ex spouse or
children, career obligations, can separate people. There are a million
reasons why one can be forced to say good-bye but does it have to
be forever?
The first thing to understand is that a relationship that is conducted
across great distances does not necessarily qualify as a relationship
in the ordinary sense. For instance, if a girl has been dating a
guy for four years and he suddenly decides to travel across Europe
with nothing but a backpack and pocket change to find himself, where
does this leave her?
Rather than ever be left wondering it is crucial for the two of
you to establish some rules and boundaries around the relationship
long before anyone starts packing. It is not going to work if you
are still trying to figure out "where you stand" in the
relationship as your loved one is boarding the plane.
First of all there must be some kind of mutual agreement that you
are in a long distance relationship and that there should be no
infidelity. If you are the guy, you can cement the relationship
by sticking that ring on her fourth finger. If she doesn't agree
to keep her options closed when it comes to seeing other people
then you definitely know where you stand. If you are a woman and
dealing with a partner who cannot give you a straight answer as
to what there might be in the future the thing to say is "I
might wait for a few days, or even a few years, but I am not going
to wait forever!"
Many long distance relationships fail because of mixed messages
from one partner or the other. Usually one person believes that
the "out of sight, out of mind" rule applies and that
while there is distance between you "anything goes!" The
other party in the relationship might believe the opposite (that
absence makes the heart grow fonder) and then get a rude shock when
they don't receive emails or phone calls or do receive one that
describes a budding new romance.
The rule of thumb is to establish the ground rules before this
type of scenario is allowed to blossom. You need to agree on how
much you are going to communicate with each other and which rule
applies best "out of sight, out of mind" or "absence
makes the heart grow fonder."
Establishing Ground Rules
Before you are separated by distance you have three basic things
you need to ask each other so that you can figure out well in advance
what actually constitutes a betrayal according to the rules of your
long distance relationship.
1. Are we going to be faithful to each other?
2. Are we allowed to have sex with other people, but remain in
faithful in our hearts?
3. Does this separation allow us to explore other relationship
options?
One option is to keep everything the way it is -- whether you
are five miles or 5,000 miles away from each other. This way of
thinking is very popular among young lovebirds, who have difficulty
believing that their relationship could ever end. They tend to believe
that physical space between them will not affect the solidity of
the relationship because their "undying" love for each
other can surpass the seemingly small obstacle of distance. Unfortunately,
this is not an option that often allows the other person their essential
humanity and it is a point of view that is considered immature by
counselors or psychiatrists.
The "nothing has changed" approach is often a position
of denial. Lots has changed, you are not together physically anymore!
Usually this type of denial applies to high school sweethearts who
are separated because of the necessity of attending different colleges.
If one or the other partner slips up due to temptation (all it takes
is a boozy night and a one-night stand) it is way too easy for the
other partner to take it personally.
The above example tells us that one of the keys to keeping a long
distance relationship is to keep your expectations realistic. Know
your partner by clearly communicating with him or her, but also,
make sure that you know thyself! Know what you can tolerate and
what is acceptable to you. Long distance relationships that are
based on humoring the other person or making promises that you can't
keep simply don't work. This will spare you the feelings of betrayal,
suspicion and jealousy that often set in after a couple of months
of being apart. Unfortunately the sad truth about most long distance
relationships is that they don't make the heart grow fonder, they
make the heart grow harder.
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