Let’s face it. Not everyone
comes with a clean resume when it comes to relationships. Everybody
has big mistakes, embarrassments and down right tragedies in their
past. The question is, how much do you tell your far way love and
how much do you lie about it to spare their feelings?
There are two schools of thought about this. I tend to lean on
the side of those who believe it is a big mistake to talk about
your exes to the new amour. For one thing, it can arouse unnecessary
jealousy. Take it from someone who has gone out with someone whose
previous girlfriend was a supermodel. Believe me, you lie there
wondering all night how you could possible compete with the past,
and then of course there are those erotic imaginings that haunt
you at night, because, well you just can’t help it! I believe
that the less your partner knows about your sordid past the better,
yet it is still a bad idea to lie to them if a certain subject that
relates to your past comes up.
The only possible exception to this rule is the “How many
people have you slept with question.” If the number is over
seventy and you are only twenty-five and female it might be a good
idea to subtract a few paramours.
Long distance lovers only need to know about your past on a “need
to know” basis. So if the question comes up then answer it
honestly. Otherwise you could get caught and then possibly left
- as happened to one girlfriend of mine who decided to lie to her
boyfriend about her age. He was forty and she was forty but she
decided to tell him she was thirty six so he could feel all heroic,
sexy and manly. He believed her right up until the moment we all
jumped out with the cake at her surprise birthday party and yelled
“Happy Fortieth Birthday.” After a week of him torturing
her with the “So what else are you lying to me about?”
question, they decided to split up.
Another girlfriend of mine decided to lie to her new boyfriend
about the fact that her last boyfriend beat her up. Unfortunately
this put her in a terrible situation, when the psychotic ex decided
to show up at her doorstep while the new boyfriend was over and
she had to call the police. She also ended up with a solid week
of those “what else are you hiding from me questions.”
The worst though was that the new boyfriend was horrified to discover
he was also the object of potential violence from this psycho. He
just couldn’t believe that she didn’t care about him
enough to warn him that this guy could go after him too. He saw
her as incredible selfish, when really she was just humiliated and
didn’t want him to think less of her.
The good thing about love is that it is often blind, and I have
found that once you tell your lover about your past, they tend to
love you even more. This is usually true no matter what you tell
them. If a person truly loves you, you can tell them that you were
once a jailed prostitute who was molested by a sadistic lesbian
warden and they will just smile softly, take your hand, and say
“I understand.” The biggest mistake you can make is
to not take him or her into your confidence. Exchanging confidences
about your past is part of being intimate.
Still there is that fine line between being honest and sparing
someone’s feelings. For instance, your lover does not need
to hear that you had meaningless animal sex with ex the other night.
This is where that phrase “yada yada yada" from Seinfeld
comes in handy. My advice? Keep it on a “need to know basis”
and remember that omitting details is not necessarily lying, especially
when it comes to describing your past intimate sexual experiences
with persons that could possibly arouse jealousy and resentment
in your partner. It is always best to assume they can handle the
truth, unless of course, if the truth somehow comes out –
it is going to hurt YOU.
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