Long Distance Codependency

Are you in an unhealthy codependent long distance relationship? Before you start analyzing and criticizing your relationship you need to look at yourself. Do you have any of the following behavioral characteristics?

People who are codependent usually deny they are in a bad situation. They minimize their own feelings and spend their time taking responsibility for how others feel instead. If they do experience an emotion, especially anger or grief, they usually minimize or stuff down the feeling or pretend everything is okay. If you are complaining about your long distance partner to others, but then being sweet as pie to him or her on the phone, then you are probably codependent.

Most codependents appear as meddling or interfering to others because they pretend to know or assume what is best for everyone. Many also have a bit of a martyr complex and consider themselves to be heroic in their dedication to the well being of others. An example is the long distance lover who checks her partner's answering machine to make sure he is not cheating, but tells him she checked them in case it was an important call about a job interview or some comparable importance.

Devoting their lives to others, at the sacrifice of the self, is an attempt on the behalf of the codependent to raise their own low self-esteem. The more difficult the person they choose to "fix", the more powerful they feel. This is why many women and men will choose the bad guy or wicked girl instead of the “nice ones”.

Codependents demonstrate their lack of self-esteem by demonstrating frequent indecision and judging themselves too harshly. They value other people's opinions more than their own and usually choose partners who are critical and sarcastic. They choose abusive or sick partners because they mistakenly believe transforming the abuser will facilitate their own recovery. You know you are dealing with a codependent when they refuse to accept a compliment. They often lower their head, wave you away, or deny the flattery in some way.

A codependent never tells you what they directly think. They will take a poll and tell you what others think in order to pressure you into taking a line of action that they prefer.

Codependents also believe in letting life happen to them, rather than taking control of events. They have what is called a "reactive" personality rather than a proactive and tend to blame others for everything wrong that has ever happened in their life. They are good at blaming and shaming others and themselves.

To avoid rejection, a codependent will put up with just about any abusive behavior. They often remain in bad situations too long and put aside their own interests and very survival to gain the approval of an object of desire. It is also common for a codependent to mistake sex for affection. This is often the sad case with women who entertain a long distance partner only to find out he was a collector rather than a marriage partner.

If rejected, a codependent person tends to isolate themselves for days, weeks or even years after a break up. This is because they would rather hold on to the idea that they are a heroic victim rather than progress with their lives. Codependents are very much characterized by their unrelenting stubbornness "to let go of the past." If your long distance partner consistently rants and raves about the past on the phone or on instant messenger then he or she is trying to control you with the codependent's favorite weapons - guilt and shame.

Codependents tend to feel incredibly anxious about other people and their problems. They perceive every little thing as an omen or sign. They also tend to worry about silly things and make mountains out of molehills. The example is the lady who phones her long distance acquaintance because she saw a crow outside her window and that means to her that you might have died. In all reality though, it is a subconscious desire to check up on you to make sure you are not cheating.

They are characterized by their tendency to think and talk a lot about other people and they will often check up on others or try to catch them in acts of misbehavior. Most stalkers are codependents.

A codependent will always claim to be the victim in a situation, although they are secret control freaks. They spend a lot of time using the word "should" trying to convince others of how they should think or feel. They offer unsolicited advice. They are often very generous with their partners as they feel they have to be "useful" or "needed" to have a relationship with others. Many of them feel secretly unique as they embark on their mission to correct other people's karma for them.

You are probably in a long distance codependency if you find yourself resenting an individual that you constantly take care of emotionally. You may pity this individual and desire to rescue him or her. Usually you are attempting to rescue this person from a bad relationship, chemical addiction, alcohol dependency, loneliness, depression, self-sabotage or mental illness.

Codependents also believe that their own identities are somehow merged or twinned with another person. They pervert the idea of a soul mate, by claiming that they can never ever leave that person because they are glued to them somehow by fate. They may even go so far as to justify staying in the bad relationship by saying that they have known the person in a past life. Delusional talk or irrational justifications for keeping a long distance relationship that is clearly not working, alive is also a big symptom that your relationship has turned toxic.

If you experience terror at the idea of the person leaving you or threaten to leave continually if you don't get your way, then you are most definitely in a codependent relationship. These kinds of fears and threats keep many people in unhealthy long distance relationships because they know about the other person's fear of abandonment but didn't realize it was so serious until they tried to exercise their free well.

Too much drama and "acting out" between two people also signifies codependency. Codependents are addicted to excitement and some researchers say that they become addicted to the adrenaline rush that occurs during an argument. These adrenaline rushes release chemicals called endorphins in the brain that cause the individual to feel secret pleasure while creating conflict. If your relationship is strewn with arguments and your long distance partner seems to enjoy fighting then you are also most likely in a codependent relationship.

Individuals who come from troubled; repressed or dysfunctional families tend to be prone to codependent behaviors later in adult life. They will often deny this, if their partner tries to point this out. However if you meet a person online and they are going on and on about their past or family and especially their childhood, you may be dealing with someone who is still an injured child inside, rather than a real adult.

Codependents also tend to be over-responsible and blame themselves for everything. They get angry, defensive, self-righteous and indignant when others blame them even if they are at fault. You know you are dealing with a codependent if they have a neurotic need to always be right. If you can't win an argument, then you are likely at the mercy of a codependent control freak.

All codependents think they are special or an exception to the rules that apply to everyone else. They often claim to be above reproach and feel like misunderstood outsiders. Many of them find the idea of being a rebel or a loner to be very glamorous. They might even have gotten into meeting a long distance relationship for the glamour of it all.

If you suspect that you are in a codependent relationship the best thing you can do is seek counseling or therapy. The best-selling "Codependency No More" by recovered addict Melody Beatty is thought to be the modern Bible on the subject and is highly recommended to anyone who feels they are suffering from this highly complex emotional disorder.