Identity Crisis - Are They Who They Say They Are?

By Debbie Anderson

When you’re looking for love online, your first concern needs to be your own protection. At the same time, however, interrogating the other person like a member of the Spanish Inquisition might drive them away.
Here is a list of ten possible ways to determine if you are dealing with an honest person, a liar or even a ten year old pretending to be fifty-five!

  • Pay attention to what they told you when you first met! Psychologists say that a person tells you everything you need to know about them within the first five minutes of conversation. Did they compare themselves to a serial killer? Did they ask something strange of you? Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as who they say they are. However, online romance sometimes can be compared to theater full of masks. Pin them down on details that don't make sense and if they are evasive, consider that to be a red flag!

  • Do They Make Sense? Is he or she claiming to be too many things at once such as both a brain surgeon and an actor in a musical? Does he ask to borrow money from you, yet claim to be rich? Comments such as "I'd love to meet you soon, but I have a private matter to take care of first" or "I meant to yahoo you when I said but something came up and I can't tell you what it is" should raise alarm bells right away. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?"

  • Did they give you a telephone number? Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone or yahoo them? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? The don't "yahoo me, I will yahoo you first” is a big Red Flag. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers).

  • Do they change their tune if you do call? The acid test of most online relationships is that first phone call. Call when they aren't expecting your call. Do you get an answering machine with children's voices on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked.

  • Have you requested a photo several times and he or she refuses to supply it?
    The logical explanation behind the reluctance to cough up a photo is that they need time to change their appearance, to make themselves look more like they said they looked. Another tact is to give you a false impression by supplying you a really old photo. In this day and age you should not be satisfied with excuses such as. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet". Let's be real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour.

  • How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. One solution is to ask them to hold up a newspaper displaying the current date in the photograph!

  • Are they too good to be true? Is the person you are falling in love with online confidant or a con artist? Con artists are very charming. The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say and they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. This is where you have to ask yourself, how they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? The fact is that love" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending "considerable" time in getting to know them.

  • Do they love you too much too soon? A declaration of love that comes to soon is often an indication that you are dealing with a player, a sex addict, a con artist or a mentally unbalanced individual. Anyone who tells you they love you within the first week or so of knowing you online is a liar! Remember that con artists tell people what they want to hear. Tell the man that if it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, that they will respect that you question your feelings and theirs. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person. Getting to know them long distance is hopefully just a prelude to happier times in the future when you will get to know them in real life.

  • Don't delay a first meeting because you fear you will spoil the stability of the online relationship. Long distance online relationships encourage fantasy and sometimes it is easier to wallow in fantasy then face all of the red flags in person? When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine, then show you care by arranging a meeting sooner than later. Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online or if there is any chemistry. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face.

  • Don't allow him or her to delay a first meeting! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask is a put off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and should be asking the same of you!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why!
 
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