When you’re looking for love
online, your first concern needs to be your own protection. At the
same time, however, interrogating the other person like a member
of the Spanish Inquisition might drive them away.
Here is a list of ten possible ways to determine if you are dealing
with an honest person, a liar or even a ten year old pretending
to be fifty-five!
- Pay attention to what they told you when you first met! Psychologists
say that a person tells you everything you need to know about
them within the first five minutes of conversation. Did they compare
themselves to a serial killer? Did they ask something strange
of you? Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like
to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking
with is exactly as who they say they are. However, online romance
sometimes can be compared to theater full of masks. Pin them down
on details that don't make sense and if they are evasive, consider
that to be a red flag!
- Do They Make Sense? Is he or she claiming to be too many things
at once such as both a brain surgeon and an actor in a musical?
Does he ask to borrow money from you, yet claim to be rich? Comments
such as "I'd love to meet you soon, but I have a private
matter to take care of first" or "I meant to yahoo you
when I said but something came up and I can't tell you what it
is" should raise alarm bells right away. While none of us
wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves
"what kind of personal details or matters are so important
that preclude this person from being able to meet me?"
- Did they give you a telephone number? Do you have to ask online
permission first to call someone or yahoo them? If so, that is
a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really
"free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is
it possible the person you are dealing with is still married?
The don't "yahoo me, I will yahoo you first” is a big
Red Flag. Most people understand that often, marriages can take
time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available,
as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished
by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable
rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers).
- Do they change their tune if you do call? The acid test of most
online relationships is that first phone call. Call when they
aren't expecting your call. Do you get an answering machine with
children's voices on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in
hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without
notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected
call was not as welcome as you would have liked.
- Have you requested a photo several times and he or she refuses
to supply it?
The logical explanation behind the reluctance to cough up a photo
is that they need time to change their appearance, to make themselves
look more like they said they looked. Another tact is to give
you a false impression by supplying you a really old photo. In
this day and age you should not be satisfied with excuses such
as. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera",
"I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet". Let's be
real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo
scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from
prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour.
- How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems
to be the big question here. One solution is to ask them to hold
up a newspaper displaying the current date in the photograph!
- Are they too good to be true? Is the person you are falling
in love with online confidant or a con artist? Con artists are
very charming. The put you at ease immediately, they agree with
everything you say and they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions
almost immediately. This is where you have to ask yourself, how
they "love" you almost immediately without ever having
met you? The fact is that love" is not possible without physically
meeting someone or spending "considerable" time in getting
to know them.
- Do they love you too much too soon? A declaration of love that
comes to soon is often an indication that you are dealing with
a player, a sex addict, a con artist or a mentally unbalanced
individual. Anyone who tells you they love you within the first
week or so of knowing you online is a liar! Remember that con
artists tell people what they want to hear. Tell the man that
if it's "real" or "true" love, it will last
forever and stand the test of time, that they will respect that
you question your feelings and theirs. If it's still "love"
after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon! You will know
when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel
for them in person. Getting to know them long distance is hopefully
just a prelude to happier times in the future when you will get
to know them in real life.
- Don't delay a first meeting because you fear you will spoil
the stability of the online relationship. Long distance online
relationships encourage fantasy and sometimes it is easier to
wallow in fantasy then face all of the red flags in person? When
you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly
for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine, then
show you care by arranging a meeting sooner than later. Find out
before you make emotional investments if they are the same in
person as they were online or if there is any chemistry. Spare
yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for
them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that
you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not
translate "in real life" when you met them face to face.
- Don't allow him or her to delay a first meeting! People who
delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something
to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them
online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine
if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the
opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love".
Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you
could ask is a put off. If they've spent any time on the net -
they've had similar experiences and should be asking the same
of you!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why!
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