Long Distance Relationships for Women

How to Talk To A Man

Most women make the big mistake of trying to get their man to talk to them and share his fears, feelings and dreams. Unfortunately such a man is called a girlfriend!

If you are bothering your long distance relationship to share his feelings too much, he is probably considering you to be obnoxious and high maintenance. I advise avoiding too much analysis, mind probing and interrogation unless it is absolutely necessary. When you challenge a man about his feelings, then usually all you end up talking to is an army of psychological defenses.

However sometimes it is absolutely necessary to get a man to open up and share his feelings with you. You might want to get him to discuss your future or confess an infidelity. If this is the case you might want to realize a few things about how a man's mind works.

One reason that men don't open up and share their feelings with women is that they are frightened of being rejected or belittled for expressing them. This is because men have much more delicate egos then women. If you have a man that is shut up tighter than a clam with a pearl in it, then try flattery.Stroking a man's ego through acknowledgement, positive feedback and approval is the only way to get him to feel confident and secure enough to trust you with his feelings.

If he does open up to you make sure you reward him handsomely for making the effort. Soon he will be like Pavlov's dog, revealing his childhood secrets and the mysteries of what makes him tick just to get that pat on the head from you.

If your man does open up to you, it is crucial for you not to judge his feelings. Let him talk and try not to meddle or interfere with your good advice or opinions. Let him know that you are willing to listen by not talking about yourself or sharing your feelings on the matter. This is his moment in the spotlight, so let him shine!

Another clue to making a man feel secure it to not put too many of your hopes and expectations on him. Act like you have options and like you have a life. If you don't know him, make a sincere attempt to find out who he is. This will relax him and make him a little chattier. Your honest and positive feedback is vital. If you bond in this way, even thousands of miles won't be able to truly separate you.

If you do know him and are lovers separated by circumstance, then avoid laying "trips" on him. This includes ultimatums, emotional blackmail, guilt, threats or deadlines about when he must respond to you. Not only do you come off as codependent, controlling and needy, he will feel smothered at the very thought of you and start making escape plans A, B, and C from the relationship.

It is also crucial that you do not humiliate him by constantly bringing up mistakes he may have committed in the past. If you go on about the things he has done wrong and the way he has hurt you or how he owes you even though he is a million miles away, he is going to respond by shutting you out even more. Before you know it, he has you on a "need to know" basis so that he does not suffer criticism or analysis from you.

Generally, women are much better verbally than men and tend to slay them completely in a written or oral argument. When a man fears that his words will later be distorted, misunderstood, told to others or thrown back at him, it is impossible for him to open up.
For example, some women love playing the victim or martyr. They need the blame of the relationship in order to validate their own feelings and feel powerful over their partner. Sometimes, if a relationship is on the skids, this is the only type of power a woman has in the relationship. Make sure that when you are speaking to him that you play fair and take accountability for your own actions. This will have the effect of having him breathing easier around you when it comes to being truthful and sharing his perspective with you.

Men also hate talking about the past. They really appreciate it if you keep your conversation in the present. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present and to let the past be over and done with.

Relationship experts have a theory that the reason that men are not always honest with women is because often they feel that women can't handle the truth. If your long distance partner seems to be lying by omission or keeping you on a need to know basis about important issues it might be because he is afraid you will react with hysteria or jump to conclusions or criticize him. Men hate emotional scenes so if your man seems subtly dishonest or like he is keeping things from you it might not be because he is a terrible liar. It might simply be that he knows you have a history of over-reacting when he does try to be honest with you.

Another mistake you can make is by threatening him with negative consequences if a certain scenario takes place. A man may feel forced to lie about that scenario just to avoid a messy scene.

It also helps to keep your relationship grounded in reality. Many women, especially those who fell in love online, weave a fantasy around the man they have yet to meet. For instance, they start thinking of the long distance love as their “one and only” when nothing of the sort has been discussed. Then when they discover that he dates other women, they accuse him of being a "cheater." This is why it is essential, especially when dealing with a new love online, that the boundaries of a relationship are discussed and truly understood by both of you.

Related to this communication problem is the usual female expectation that when we give to someone, we should get the same, or even double what we gave in return. This is pop psychology's crude definition of how karma should work. Unfortunately, sometimes we just don't get back what we gave. That is why they call it unconditional love. Long distance relationships have to have some understanding of unconditional love or else you will be continually disappointed.

When you give your loved one unconditional respect and regard, you are respecting yourself as well. There is no shame or unreasonable expectations of yourself and there is no way you can disappoint yourself either. You are behaving in the best way possible, and the fine effects always reverberate back. When you treat others in a way you respect, you are building a sense of value and worth. If your partner doesn't reciprocate, move on to someone who is more like you.

The bottom line is to know thyself and not try to change him through criticism, ultimatums, emotional confrontations or manipulations. Communicate with him in an open or natural way that shows respect for yourself as well as him.