What Do You Do If He or She is Not Interested?

One of the first things we learn in Kindergarten is how to take “no” for answer. This lesson was first learned when you asked someone to play with you and they said no. If you reacted with hostility or tears, you were often chastised by an adult for your overreaction to the situation. This was to teach you that you a) can’t always get your way and b) need to respect other people’s decisions.

It always shocks me how so many people are still stuck in Kindergarten when it comes to taking “no” for an answer from someone else. They can’t seem to grasp the simple fact that others are allowed to say “no” to them without suffering any kind of emotional abuse for doing so. Being said “no” to is a daily occurrence in numerous situations and something to be treated very matter of faculty.

If you told a psychiatrist that you are still interested in a man who has told you he is not interested, he or she would say, “Why are you interested in someone who is not interested in you?” The implication of your insistence on getting your way here is that you are only interested in building relationships that cannot possibly work! It takes two to create an emotional empire.

There are lots of reasons why a person keeps pushing for a relationship, even if the object of affection has given him or her every indication in the world that he or she is not interested.

• You have a huge ego. As we all know a huge ego is usually displayed in order to compensate for other things such as a horrible history of codependency, low self-esteem and an insistence on getting your way. Women who feel compelled to chase after a man who is not interested tend to only be thinking about their own feelings about the situation. It is only what they want that matters, not what anybody else wants. As a result of this kind of selfishness, everybody has to suffer.

• You suffer from a bad case of “being special.” Some women suffer from what psychiatrists call “terminal uniqueness.” This means that the individual privately thinks that they are beyond the normal societal rules. Nobody says “no” to them - ever. Rejection to such people becomes a mission to save the other person from making the ‘mistake’ of not having a relationship.

• You objectify people. In this scenario you feel compelled to chase the other person because you see him or her as an object, not as a human. The lover in this case is something that must be acquired, possessed or owned. The other person's feelings about the situation don’t come into this at all as you don’t have any cognizance that he or she is entitled to them. The person is simply a goal that must be achieved at all costs. Many people who think like this also have the bad habit of perceiving their partners as trophies.

• You have a neurotic need for approval from the opposite sex. You were rejected as a child and dumped repeatedly in relationships as an adult. You approached this new person of the opposite sex in the good faith that he would not reject you and now he has turned out to be just like the rest! This person is not just rejecting you; he is the symbol of all that have had the audacity to reject you. It then becomes your goal to change this, because you just can’t live with what his “no” represents.

• You are a nymphomaniac or sex addict. Some women keep pursuing a man even though he has said no simply because they cannot get their libido under control. They might even have a condition called erotomania where they begin to make the individual into a fetish. Symptoms of erotomania include chronic masturbation while envisioning the man as well as feeling “high” when the other person is around. People who are nymphomaniacs are simply addicted to sex, but erotomaniacs will go as far as to stalk and physically harass the individuals who say no to them. The male version of erotomania is the same only often their sexual urges also translate into fetishism, obsession, cruelty and violence.

• You are just plain old stubborn. Some people resent authority and especially authority from the opposite sex. If a male says no to you for any reason, then you have to turn it into a yes in order to reestablish your power over the male. You don’t stop pursuing him until you have somehow corrected this “unfair” situation.

• You don’t handle rejection well. Some people take everything personally. They justify their emotional insecurity by claiming to be “sensitive.” In reality, they are too immature to accept “no” as an answer. This is because it is absolutely inconceivable to them that there is anybody in the world would not want to have them as a part of their life. Individuals who behave like this usually have very emotional child-like type personalities.

• You have damaged instincts. A woman who pursues a man who has given a very clear indication that he is not interested, might be suffering from damaged instincts. Usually this kind of woman suffered from a lot of physical or emotional abuse as a child and is used to hearing mixed messages from a partner. In a nutshell, this kind of woman is always misled by gut instincts that tell her that a “no” actually means a “yes.” She will find every reason in the world to believe her gut feeling or soul feeling about the guy rather than just accept that he is not willing to pursue her. Usually these reasons take the form of such rationalizations as “he has a fear of commitment”, “he is just shy” or “he is testing me.” Of course none of this is true. When a person says no, they usually mean no.

• You are a masochist. Some people just like to be hurt. Rather than hit themselves again and again on the head with a hammer they do the next best thing. They keep pursuing a woman that is not interested. The more she rejects him, the more he feels like a victim. The more he feels like a victim, the more adrenaline and pleasure-inducing brain chemicals are released as he experiences the excitement of being hurt. Soon he becomes addicted to these chemicals, which provide him with a kind of “high” each time he is told “no.” If this applies to a woman she may even provoke the man into physically hurting her to achieve the ultimate victim’s “high.”

• You have a lack of faith. Some people just don’t take no for an answer because they have a lack of faith that there is something better out there waiting for them. They feel like a no from one person means they will always get a no from everyone else from now on. They must insist upon a yes because they confuse God loving them with an approval from a particular person. The best thing for you to do is have faith in your ability to eventually meet someone and always realize that every no that you get is just another no that leads to a yes.