Tips on the First Meeting for Women

By Debbie Anderson

Meeting a mysterious stranger who you have confessed all of your secrets to online can be nerve wracking to say the very least. Most women usually suffer a pronounced attack of insecurity at the very prospect. This is because they have sold themselves so strongly that they are not sure if they can live up to their own PR.

Realize that if you feel this way it is probably because you were raised to seek out male approval. Calm yourself down by telling yourself that approval or disapproval from a guy you met online is not going to make or break you emotionally in any way. If he rejects you it is not going to ruin your day (unless you let it) and it is not going to ruin the rest of your life (unless you let it.)

The biggest mistake that most women make is trying to be like someone he has told her that he idolizes. For instance if he says he likes Britney Spears don't try and dress like her (especially if it is unseemly for your age). Men have a habit of going on and on about what kind of woman is their type. Chances are he is just blowing smoke and will have no clue if your dress is out of style or if your hair is not quite right. Put yourself at ease by deciding that you will go into this thing "being yourself,

One way to put yourself at ease is to not to agree to any kind of excursion or meeting that makes you feel uncomfortable. For instance if he is suggesting going to a sports event and you can't stand sports, tell him so right off the bat. Don't go along with what he wants to do just because you are scared he will call the whole thing off if you don't. If you are pretending to like sports now, then you will have to pretend to like them through the entire relationship.

Part of having a good time on one of these dates is making the inner decision that you are able to handle whatever comes your way. Decide beforehand that you will be happy whether it works out or not. This is not only empowering but it prevents you from being hurt or feeling disappointed if there is no chemistry.

How Women Can Make It Special

One way to make the date seem special is to take it out of the realm of the coffee shop meeting and suggest an activity that you know he might enjoy. For instance if he enjoys sports you might suggest meeting somewhere near a sports stadium. If he is a movie buff you can suggest going to a movie and having a coffee afterwards. This can also be a helpful tact if you suspect that either one of you might clam up conversationally on the first meeting.

While out on the date flatter the man by making sure to ask him plenty of questions about himself. Ask him about his achievements and express approval if he says or does anything at all that you like. Men love to be asked about their jobs and their future dreams.

However don't turn into too much of an interrogator or he might feel that you are judging him. It is also not a good idea to ask confounding questions such as "If you died and came back to life, who would you want to be?" The idea here is to make him feel comfortable, not as if he is passing some kind of psychological test.

In general though, it is best to keep things simple, light and go with the flow. Don't talk about the past and don't talk too much about the future. Also avoid talking about your "feelings" too much at a first meeting. Most men are intimidated and also turned off by a woman who is talking about her feelings too much. Quite frankly they find it boring and a waste of time. Save your emotional outpouring for later, when the two of you are more bonded.

In order for a man to feel big, you must make an effort to let him do things for you on the date. Don't be scornful if he opens the door for you or make the feminist argument as to why he should not be helping you on with your coat. If he offers to pay for the entire bill let him. This makes him feel big and manly.

It is also a good idea to laugh at his jokes. Even if he is not that witty, just do it. He might be wittier than you think and just nervous because he is meeting you for the first time.

While out on the date, make sure to take it easy and go with the flow. Anything can happen on a date including spilt wine on a white dress, bad service from a waiter, a flat tire, or even being chased down the street by robbers. Whatever happens, try to keep your sense of humor.

Whatever you do don't compare him in any way to any other man that you have ever met in your entire life. He wants to feel special and if you say something like "you remind me of your first boyfriend" he is not going to feel like he stands out from the crowd that makes up your past. You are much better off to keep reinforcing the idea that he is one of a kind and that you have never ever met anyone quite like him before.

Making Conversation for Women

Here are some suggestions for what you could say to greet a man who is a complete stranger:

"How was your day?"
"You look really great in that suit. Where did you get it?"
"Are you as bushed as I am? I had quite a day."
"So do you like this kind of music?"
"So what did you have for lunch?"

At the very least this should get a conversation going, and if he decides to be remote and uncommunicative, then so be it. Don't try to monopolize the conversation or fill in the blank spaces with a rambling monologue. Know when to give up and leave the stage.

Conversations are notoriously awkward on a first meeting. Even though you and the guy were chatting and laughing it up on the Internet, there is something very officious and formal about a first meeting. That is because it is in essence a first date.

. It can be so nerve-wracking, that either or both of you clam up. I have been on first dates where the man seems so self-conscious that he practically looks like he is going to burst into tears! Your job as a Mistress of Innocuous Comments is to draw his attention away from the idea that you are a date by applying the following techniques.

First of all, remember to ask him lots of questions. Don't turn into the Spanish Inquisition but try and keep his attention focused on himself. Men love to talk about themselves so ask him questions about his favorite sports, his hobbies, and what movies or music he likes. Keep it light and keep the conversation away from such sensitive topics as "the reason his last relationship ended."

Try to keep the conversation as positive as possible. Stay away from feisty topics such as religion, politics, death or feminism. Whatever you do don't start talking about your ex or start justifying why you are single. Also don't ask him to justify why he is still single either as in "so what's a good looking wealthy guy like you doing still single?" To him that means that you must think that there is something wrong with him.

Also make it rule not to put yourself down by saying things like "Oh I am sorry I am acting this way. I'm feel so stupid today." It is an indicator of low self-esteem and insecurity. Conversely don't put him down in any way. An example is "Is that the shirt you are wearing tonight?"

Although polite niceties make up 99% of all conversations, try not to make it so banal that you are boring. Try not to talk about the weather, and the weather and then the weather again. It is amazing how many people will observe the weather on a first date and say things like "Oh, it's sunny now." And "Oh it looked like it was going to rain and now it is sunny again." And "The newspaper says it is going to rain tomorrow." My point? Don't be boring.

There are a few topical areas of interest that usually get most people talking. One approach is to get him to talk about his pets. If that is bad subject then ask if he has allergies.

Men also like to talk about their watches, their cars, their favorite sports and computers. Oddly, many of them really like to talk about Star Trek and Hitler. If you really want to get a man babbling away just say something like "Oh I saw that old Star Trek episode where Spock ..." or "I saw a really interesting documentary on Hitler last night." Men almost always have tons to say about Hitler. It is also a good way to tell what he is really like. For instance, if he is really pro-Hitler, then he is probably not that great of a guy. If he is anti-Hitler he is sure to have tons of theories about how a guy like that rose to power. As for Spock, most men secretly fancy themselves as the wise Vulcan because they also secretly identify with Spock's inability to express emotion.

You can also break the ice by asking the man if he has been to that latest new restaurant or hot club. If he hasn't then you have the perfect opportunity to set up the second date by saying, "You haven't! Well I am going to take you there!"

If you really have trouble with keeping conversation going it may be a good idea to go out on a group date with another couple. This will take most of the pressure off of you two so conversation will flow more easily and naturally.

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where the person is not forthcoming at all - to the extent that he actually seems hostile. This does not necessarily mean that he "has changed." You need to remember that even the best of us is entitled to have a "bad" day. Also people need to be allowed their nervous and awkward moments. Also he is probably tired from a train ride or the stress of getting ready for you to visit.

One way to completely take the awkwardness out of a situation is to apply a lot of enthusiasm to the conversation. Basically, you need to treat the man as if he was a visiting rock star and this was your one big chance to meet him. It doesn't matter if he is an accountant, treat him like you are his biggest groupie. Say things like "I could hardly wait to see you!" or "I've been thinking about you all day." Don't go overboard or you will sound like a stalker. Give a little cheer when you see him. Give him a big smile. After all a smile says much more then words can any day.

First Meeting No No's

DON'T ...

  • Bring a large entourage of friends and admirers with you ... that way you don't have to get too close. Also it’s fun watching your friends sitting around and judging people.

  • Avoid dressing up at all... so that he or she sees how casual and comfortable you are ... he or she might as well know the horrible truth about your low self esteem now.

  • Get really drunk really fast because you're nervous and have to leave to throw up. Alcohol is not the best lubricant for sex in this situation.

  • Get to know him or her by telling him or her your entire life story starting from age one. Something has to fill those awkward silences.

  • Use this meeting with him or her to save yourself time in the pursuit of love, by asking for other potential prospects’ telephone numbers in case it doesn't work out ... that makes him or her feel like they better sleep with you now before they lose you!

  • Flirt with the waiter or waitress to show how magnetic and attractive you are... see how powerful I am sexually? Even the waiter is not immune to my charms...

  • Compare him or her to your ex and exclaim, "you really are similar." This kind of familiarity makes the other person want to tuck tail and run...especially if your last relationship ended up badly.

  • Tell him or her that you have all this stuff in common when you really don't ... sooner or later you'll be busted when for example, it is discovered that you really don't know much about lacrosse

  • Dressing too overtly sexually ...he might get the wrong idea and try to pay you later after sex.

  • Bring your parents along to inspect the new bride or bridegroom. No pressure there!

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