Meeting a mysterious stranger who
you have confessed all of your secrets to online can be nerve wracking
to say the very least. Most women usually suffer a pronounced attack
of insecurity at the very prospect. This is because they have sold
themselves so strongly that they are not sure if they can live up
to their own PR.
Realize that if you feel this way it is probably because you were
raised to seek out male approval. Calm yourself down by telling
yourself that approval or disapproval from a guy you met online
is not going to make or break you emotionally in any way. If he
rejects you it is not going to ruin your day (unless you let it)
and it is not going to ruin the rest of your life (unless you let
it.)
The biggest mistake that most women make is trying to be like someone
he has told her that he idolizes. For instance if he says he likes
Britney Spears don't try and dress like her (especially if it is
unseemly for your age). Men have a habit of going on and on about
what kind of woman is their type. Chances are he is just blowing
smoke and will have no clue if your dress is out of style or if
your hair is not quite right. Put yourself at ease by deciding that
you will go into this thing "being yourself,
One way to put yourself at ease is to not to agree to any kind
of excursion or meeting that makes you feel uncomfortable. For instance
if he is suggesting going to a sports event and you can't stand
sports, tell him so right off the bat. Don't go along with what
he wants to do just because you are scared he will call the whole
thing off if you don't. If you are pretending to like sports now,
then you will have to pretend to like them through the entire relationship.
Part of having a good time on one of these dates is making the
inner decision that you are able to handle whatever comes your way.
Decide beforehand that you will be happy whether it works out or
not. This is not only empowering but it prevents you from being
hurt or feeling disappointed if there is no chemistry.
How Women Can Make It Special
One way to make the date seem special is to take it out of the
realm of the coffee shop meeting and suggest an activity that you
know he might enjoy. For instance if he enjoys sports you might
suggest meeting somewhere near a sports stadium. If he is a movie
buff you can suggest going to a movie and having a coffee afterwards.
This can also be a helpful tact if you suspect that either one of
you might clam up conversationally on the first meeting.
While out on the date flatter the man by making sure to ask him
plenty of questions about himself. Ask him about his achievements
and express approval if he says or does anything at all that you
like. Men love to be asked about their jobs and their future dreams.
However don't turn into too much of an interrogator or he might
feel that you are judging him. It is also not a good idea to ask
confounding questions such as "If you died and came back to
life, who would you want to be?" The idea here is to make him
feel comfortable, not as if he is passing some kind of psychological
test.
In general though, it is best to keep things simple, light and
go with the flow. Don't talk about the past and don't talk too much
about the future. Also avoid talking about your "feelings"
too much at a first meeting. Most men are intimidated and also turned
off by a woman who is talking about her feelings too much. Quite
frankly they find it boring and a waste of time. Save your emotional
outpouring for later, when the two of you are more bonded.
In order for a man to feel big, you must make an effort to let
him do things for you on the date. Don't be scornful if he opens
the door for you or make the feminist argument as to why he should
not be helping you on with your coat. If he offers to pay for the
entire bill let him. This makes him feel big and manly.
It is also a good idea to laugh at his jokes. Even if he is not
that witty, just do it. He might be wittier than you think and just
nervous because he is meeting you for the first time.
While out on the date, make sure to take it easy and go with the
flow. Anything can happen on a date including spilt wine on a white
dress, bad service from a waiter, a flat tire, or even being chased
down the street by robbers. Whatever happens, try to keep your sense
of humor.
Whatever you do don't compare him in any way to any other man
that you have ever met in your entire life. He wants to feel special
and if you say something like "you remind me of your first
boyfriend" he is not going to feel like he stands out from
the crowd that makes up your past. You are much better off to keep
reinforcing the idea that he is one of a kind and that you have
never ever met anyone quite like him before.
Making Conversation for Women
Here are some suggestions for what you could say to greet a man
who is a complete stranger:
"How was your day?"
"You look really great in that suit. Where did you get it?"
"Are you as bushed as I am? I had quite a day."
"So do you like this kind of music?"
"So what did you have for lunch?"
At the very least this should get a conversation going, and if
he decides to be remote and uncommunicative, then so be it. Don't
try to monopolize the conversation or fill in the blank spaces with
a rambling monologue. Know when to give up and leave the stage.
Conversations are notoriously awkward on a first meeting. Even
though you and the guy were chatting and laughing it up on the Internet,
there is something very officious and formal about a first meeting.
That is because it is in essence a first date.
. It can be so nerve-wracking, that either or both of you clam
up. I have been on first dates where the man seems so self-conscious
that he practically looks like he is going to burst into tears!
Your job as a Mistress of Innocuous Comments is to draw his attention
away from the idea that you are a date by applying the following
techniques.
First of all, remember to ask him lots of questions. Don't turn
into the Spanish Inquisition but try and keep his attention focused
on himself. Men love to talk about themselves so ask him questions
about his favorite sports, his hobbies, and what movies or music
he likes. Keep it light and keep the conversation away from such
sensitive topics as "the reason his last relationship ended."
Try to keep the conversation as positive as possible. Stay away
from feisty topics such as religion, politics, death or feminism.
Whatever you do don't start talking about your ex or start justifying
why you are single. Also don't ask him to justify why he is still
single either as in "so what's a good looking wealthy guy like
you doing still single?" To him that means that you must think
that there is something wrong with him.
Also make it rule not to put yourself down by saying things like
"Oh I am sorry I am acting this way. I'm feel so stupid today."
It is an indicator of low self-esteem and insecurity. Conversely
don't put him down in any way. An example is "Is that the shirt
you are wearing tonight?"
Although polite niceties make up 99% of all conversations, try
not to make it so banal that you are boring. Try not to talk about
the weather, and the weather and then the weather again. It is amazing
how many people will observe the weather on a first date and say
things like "Oh, it's sunny now." And "Oh it looked
like it was going to rain and now it is sunny again." And "The
newspaper says it is going to rain tomorrow." My point? Don't
be boring.
There are a few topical areas of interest that usually get most
people talking. One approach is to get him to talk about his pets.
If that is bad subject then ask if he has allergies.
Men also like to talk about their watches, their cars, their favorite
sports and computers. Oddly, many of them really like to talk about
Star Trek and Hitler. If you really want to get a man babbling away
just say something like "Oh I saw that old Star Trek episode
where Spock ..." or "I saw a really interesting documentary
on Hitler last night." Men almost always have tons to say about
Hitler. It is also a good way to tell what he is really like. For
instance, if he is really pro-Hitler, then he is probably not that
great of a guy. If he is anti-Hitler he is sure to have tons of
theories about how a guy like that rose to power. As for Spock,
most men secretly fancy themselves as the wise Vulcan because they
also secretly identify with Spock's inability to express emotion.
You can also break the ice by asking the man if he has been to
that latest new restaurant or hot club. If he hasn't then you have
the perfect opportunity to set up the second date by saying, "You
haven't! Well I am going to take you there!"
If you really have trouble with keeping conversation going it may
be a good idea to go out on a group date with another couple. This
will take most of the pressure off of you two so conversation will
flow more easily and naturally.
Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where the person is
not forthcoming at all - to the extent that he actually seems hostile.
This does not necessarily mean that he "has changed."
You need to remember that even the best of us is entitled to have
a "bad" day. Also people need to be allowed their nervous
and awkward moments. Also he is probably tired from a train ride
or the stress of getting ready for you to visit.
One way to completely take the awkwardness out of a situation is
to apply a lot of enthusiasm to the conversation. Basically, you
need to treat the man as if he was a visiting rock star and this
was your one big chance to meet him. It doesn't matter if he is
an accountant, treat him like you are his biggest groupie. Say things
like "I could hardly wait to see you!" or "I've been
thinking about you all day." Don't go overboard or you will
sound like a stalker. Give a little cheer when you see him. Give
him a big smile. After all a smile says much more then words can
any day.
First Meeting No No's
DON'T ...
-
Bring a large entourage of friends and admirers with you ...
that way you don't have to get too close. Also it’s fun
watching your friends sitting around and judging people.
-
Avoid dressing up at all... so that he or she sees how casual
and comfortable you are ... he or she might as well know the
horrible truth about your low self esteem now.
-
Get really drunk really fast because you're nervous and have
to leave to throw up. Alcohol is not the best lubricant for
sex in this situation.
-
Get to know him or her by telling him or her your entire life
story starting from age one. Something has to fill those awkward
silences.
-
Use this meeting with him or her to save yourself time in the
pursuit of love, by asking for other potential prospects’
telephone numbers in case it doesn't work out ... that makes
him or her feel like they better sleep with you now before they
lose you!
-
Flirt with the waiter or waitress to show how magnetic and
attractive you are... see how powerful I am sexually? Even the
waiter is not immune to my charms...
-
Compare him or her to your ex and exclaim, "you really
are similar." This kind of familiarity makes the other
person want to tuck tail and run...especially if your last relationship
ended up badly.
-
Tell him or her that you have all this stuff in common when
you really don't ... sooner or later you'll be busted when for
example, it is discovered that you really don't know much about
lacrosse
-
Dressing too overtly sexually ...he might get the wrong idea
and try to pay you later after sex.
-
Bring your parents along to inspect the new bride or bridegroom.
No pressure there!
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