Be A Chooser Online and Not A Beggar

When it comes to love, most of us are beggars, not choosers. In other words, we think that just because a guy (or girl) is chatting to us online that we HAVE to check it out. We must go out on a date with him, because the very fact he is THERE, means that God or Fate or Destiny sent him our way. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have a job, puts his cigarettes out on his forehead or drinks seven quarts of vodka a day. The fact that he is phoning must mean he is a Gift from the Universe.

This type of thinking comes from a deep sense of loneliness as well as low self-esteem. Women in particular, forget that they can make choices in life and that they don’t have to go out with the first guy that responds to their online personal profile.

There is a tremendous sense of relief that comes along when we realize that someone, ANYONE, is interested in us so we don’t hesitate to engage in emotional attachments that are possibly very unhealthy for us. Women, in particular (but sometimes men too) choose to be helpless on purpose when it comes to having a romance with someone that they know is a real loser. That way, later, when everything goes down the tubes, she can deny responsibility and say, “ I didn’t choose him! He chose me!” You act helpless, like you had nothing to do with this. Of course, this gives you the slightly insane appearance of having No Free Will.

So how do you know that you are engaged in a bad relationship? What are your first hints that the courtship is not going well? Well, first of all pay attention to your feelings. Feeling shame or humiliation is your first clue. This could be caused by a seemingly minor incident. They could tell you that they will call you after seven p.m. that night, and never call – yet apologize profusely the next day. Or he or she could belittle you for feeling miffed about the broken promise. Another bad sign is if after you have sex, the partner insists on describing you as a good friend. That person is teaching you a lesson about how attachment is not the same thing as intimacy.

Your partner is definitely inappropriate for you if you a) are experiencing way too much relief that you are finally not alone b) grateful and willing to bend over backwards for him, now that you have been chosen and c) panicking the minute you don't see his icon in the chat room…

If you are feeling anything like this, don’t blame the loser YOU have chosen (even though he did choose you.) Just get out. You can’t handle the truth. The truth is that you are a) unable to stand on your own two feet b) suffer from such low self-esteem that your fears completely rule you and c) have become obsessed, resentful, codependent and jealous.

Your first step to admit that you are not helpless when it comes to dealing with “bad” or “inappropriate” partners is to admit that you are experiencing the feelings described above. This is hard to do because it brings out all the fears, you may have stuffed down for years about being a responsible, self-sufficient adult. If you are experienced any of the feelings above, you are looking for a parent, not a lover, and it is time to leave the relationship, before the inevitable happens: the partner turns to you and “Get A Life!”