So the two of you have met, perhaps
even had a roll in the hay and all seems well until a day passes
by and there is no instant message or email or even a phone call.
So now the problem is: who calls who first?
According to relationship experts, the reason that either partner
is reluctant to call first is because we somehow learn that whoever
calls first will ultimately be responsible for the relationship
in the long term. This is why women think the caller should be the
male… and I agree. What kind of male leaves you blundering
around wondering where you stand in a relationship and wondering
when he will call? A man that is not suitable for a long-term relationship
Still whether you agree with my opinion or a very practical problem
still exists. There is no way a second date can transpire unless
one of you picks up that phone and makes a call. As a woman you
might feel compelled to make the call simply because you understand
that he might be "confused" or "processing his feelings."
I strongly disagree with this perception as it makes men look like
they are emotionally retarded. Usually they are not calling for
one reason and one reason only. They are no longer interested.
However if you are the sort of woman who believes that he is not
calling because he is "confused" or "processing his
feelings" then you might be compelled to take the initiative.
Just be aware that if you do you will probably be taking the initiative
in the relationship for however long it lasts. Although taking the
initiative and making the first call might feel empowering at first
it gets down right humiliating six months into a relationship when
any effort from him makes you feel like you are a dog waiting to
be petted on the head.
One would think that such a consideration is not even necessary
if two people really like each other. However the sad fact is: relationships
that are supposed to be all about love turn very rapidly into power
Men are often taught by their fathers and friends to leave woman
hanging and wondering what's going to happen next. This power play,
which is used to make the desperate woman slobber over them even
more, is one of the oldest ones in history. Unless your online love
is a known Casanova, women should know that he is more than likely
sitting at home alone eating a pizza and watching television.
I believe that the man should call first and that if he doesn't,
then the woman should let go of the matter. The worst thing you
can do is chase him or demand explanations as to why. If he doesn't
call after three days it is over.
If he is playing a power game that reeks of brooding silence then
there is no reason why you can't do the same. In fact, if he has
not called the next day to reassure you, then I highly recommend
NOT being there for when he calls the day after that or on subsequent
days. Let him chase you. I think it is a good idea to not give the
impression that you are too eager or too desperate.
Also women who call are usually treated brashly, rejected or given
some sort of indication that the man is dating other women. Although
it should be mutually understood that when dating, most people are
by definition still single and ALLOWED to date others, it is still
disconcerting to pick up the phone and have one of your rival's
answer. However if you have done a little background research on
your long distance paramour before you agreed to meet him then this
shouldn't happen. Right?
Another dreaded response is no response at all, and never having
your phone call never ever returned ever. Why even go there when
you could be doing so many other interesting things like meeting
other men who do call back in your spare time?
Feminists would strongly disagree with my take on who makes the
first call and state that women should just go ahead and pick up
the phone. Some men appreciate this approach but from what I have
learned in my research, most men don't. In fact, it is very male
to perceive such phone calls as a "checking up" on them
or as meddling in their lives.
After not receiving a call for days and days, some women simply
get so mad that they call to give the man a piece of her mind about
how rude he is etc. This might provide you with some temporary kind
of gratification but usually it leads to even further disappointment
as he explains how he could not bear to hurt your feelings by telling
you that he does not care to see you again.
In the case of both sexes, it is not advised that you call right
the next morning but leave it until later the following day. If
you are a man and you make her wait more than three days then you
are probably going to damage the relationship.
Also both sexes should use a bit of consideration and not call
the person too early in the morning, too late at night. It is also
not a good idea to call him or her at work or send flowers or presents
to the work place. This type of behavior can feel awkward or intimidating
to the other person or like you are trying to blackmail them into
a response about the relationship.
Women, in particular, have a bad habit of assuming that surviving
a first meeting automatically means that the two of you are now
a couple. If the meeting goes well they also have a bad habit of
going home to their girlfriends and telling everyone how well it
went and exaggerating the entire matter. Then they are humiliated
when the bright future they had described to everyone doesn't manifest.
In fact, they can't even get the guy to call! Make sure you perceive
the first date for what it is and not what you expect it should
be in the long run or you will look like a fool.