Who Calls After the First Meeting?

By Debbie Anderson

So the two of you have met, perhaps even had a roll in the hay and all seems well until a day passes by and there is no instant message or email or even a phone call. So now the problem is: who calls who first?

According to relationship experts, the reason that either partner is reluctant to call first is because we somehow learn that whoever calls first will ultimately be responsible for the relationship in the long term. This is why women think the caller should be the male… and I agree. What kind of male leaves you blundering around wondering where you stand in a relationship and wondering when he will call? A man that is not suitable for a long-term relationship is who.

Still whether you agree with my opinion or a very practical problem still exists. There is no way a second date can transpire unless one of you picks up that phone and makes a call. As a woman you might feel compelled to make the call simply because you understand that he might be "confused" or "processing his feelings." I strongly disagree with this perception as it makes men look like they are emotionally retarded. Usually they are not calling for one reason and one reason only. They are no longer interested.

However if you are the sort of woman who believes that he is not calling because he is "confused" or "processing his feelings" then you might be compelled to take the initiative. Just be aware that if you do you will probably be taking the initiative in the relationship for however long it lasts. Although taking the initiative and making the first call might feel empowering at first it gets down right humiliating six months into a relationship when any effort from him makes you feel like you are a dog waiting to be petted on the head.

One would think that such a consideration is not even necessary if two people really like each other. However the sad fact is: relationships that are supposed to be all about love turn very rapidly into power struggles.

Men are often taught by their fathers and friends to leave woman hanging and wondering what's going to happen next. This power play, which is used to make the desperate woman slobber over them even more, is one of the oldest ones in history. Unless your online love is a known Casanova, women should know that he is more than likely sitting at home alone eating a pizza and watching television.

I believe that the man should call first and that if he doesn't, then the woman should let go of the matter. The worst thing you can do is chase him or demand explanations as to why. If he doesn't call after three days it is over.

If he is playing a power game that reeks of brooding silence then there is no reason why you can't do the same. In fact, if he has not called the next day to reassure you, then I highly recommend NOT being there for when he calls the day after that or on subsequent days. Let him chase you. I think it is a good idea to not give the impression that you are too eager or too desperate.

Also women who call are usually treated brashly, rejected or given some sort of indication that the man is dating other women. Although it should be mutually understood that when dating, most people are by definition still single and ALLOWED to date others, it is still disconcerting to pick up the phone and have one of your rival's answer. However if you have done a little background research on your long distance paramour before you agreed to meet him then this shouldn't happen. Right?

Another dreaded response is no response at all, and never having your phone call never ever returned ever. Why even go there when you could be doing so many other interesting things like meeting other men who do call back in your spare time?

Feminists would strongly disagree with my take on who makes the first call and state that women should just go ahead and pick up the phone. Some men appreciate this approach but from what I have learned in my research, most men don't. In fact, it is very male to perceive such phone calls as a "checking up" on them or as meddling in their lives.

After not receiving a call for days and days, some women simply get so mad that they call to give the man a piece of her mind about how rude he is etc. This might provide you with some temporary kind of gratification but usually it leads to even further disappointment as he explains how he could not bear to hurt your feelings by telling you that he does not care to see you again.

In the case of both sexes, it is not advised that you call right the next morning but leave it until later the following day. If you are a man and you make her wait more than three days then you are probably going to damage the relationship.

Also both sexes should use a bit of consideration and not call the person too early in the morning, too late at night. It is also not a good idea to call him or her at work or send flowers or presents to the work place. This type of behavior can feel awkward or intimidating to the other person or like you are trying to blackmail them into a response about the relationship.

Women, in particular, have a bad habit of assuming that surviving a first meeting automatically means that the two of you are now a couple. If the meeting goes well they also have a bad habit of going home to their girlfriends and telling everyone how well it went and exaggerating the entire matter. Then they are humiliated when the bright future they had described to everyone doesn't manifest. In fact, they can't even get the guy to call! Make sure you perceive the first date for what it is and not what you expect it should be in the long run or you will look like a fool.

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